I don’t get much spam and any I do get is the usual fair of pathetic efforts to sell me something crap in a half assed email with missing images, large glaring colourful text or a mishmash of badly coded html design. This one caught my eye though, and by the time I was done reading it I was laughing my head off.

So, due to popular demand (after I mentioned it on twitter), here it is for you all to behold and revel in its grandeur. I hope at least you get the same enjoyment out it as I did. Hats of to these guys for at least putting the effort in.

Spam email to Justin Parks with some notes thrown in by myself and highlighted in red for good measure.

ATTENTION (Im at attention, please proceed),

YOU ARE HERE BY CALL TO JUSTICE FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT. (oh goodie) WE HAVE A NOTE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THAT YOU ARE HAVING SOMETHING TO DO WITH SOME INTERNET SPAMMERS ALL IN THE NAME OF THE (FBI, BANKNOTE, EFCC ,COMPENSATION AWARD HOUSE AND SOME ORDER SCAM EMAIL) (A note? Really? Must be serious…go on) AND THAT YOU ARE ALSO HAVING SOMETHING TO DO WITH SOME SPAMMERS IN AFRICA ABOUT A CONSIGNMENT AND MONEY. (First I heard about it, but anyway)

WE GOT THE NOTE ON OUR DESK THIS MORNING FROM THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF HEAD INTERNET SECURITY (GEN. DANIEL DOHERTY) (Hello Daniel…) WHO HAS BEEN MONITORING ALL YOUR EMAIL FROM THERE DATA BASE. (…you nosey bugger)

YOU ARE ASK TO STOP ALL CONTACT YOU HAVE BEEN IN SO FAR WITH ANY OF THOSE SO CALLED SPAMMERS OR ELSE YOU WILL HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME. (Nothing new there.) AND ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE TO CONTACT US BACK WITH ALL THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO YOU BY THOSE SPAMMERS TO HASTEN US OUR INVESTIGATION ON WHO IS BEHIND ALL THIS AND WHO HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR MONEY .. (My money? I thought it was a consignment of money from Africa. I’m confused)

NOTE: (there’s that note again!) YOU ARE ASKED TO GET BACK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE OR WE WILL HAVE TO INFORM THE FBI TO COME AND PICK YOU UP IN YOUR ADDRESS AND YOUR CASE WILL BE WORST IF YOU DON T COOPERATE WITH US TO GET THOSE SPAMMERS RED HANDED THAT IS WHY WE EMAIL YOU TO KNOW MORE DETAILS FIRST BECAUSE THAT IS THE EASIEST WAY TO MEET OUR GOOD CITIZEN S. (So I should give the FBI your email address then or what?)

SO YOU ARE TO GET BACK TO US IN NO TIME BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE FOR YOU (Its been too late for me for a long time, but please continue)…. MORE SO YOU ARE TO PROVIDE US ALL NECESSARY DETAILS AND WE WILL INFORM YOU IF TRULY THERE IS ANY CONSIGNMENT FOR YOU AT ALL…(Hang on, I thought you where pretty sure that this consignment was for me, or was it my money, or now its your money and you want me to take it… I think you better check that serious note you have right in front of you on your desk again and get this story straight) OUR DUTIES IS TO PROTECT ALL OUR CITIZEN AND KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ANY HARM OR WHATSOEVER DAMAGE THEY ARE….(pull the other one)

WE WERE TOLD THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SCAMMED MANY TIMES AND YOU STILL KEEP ON COMPLYING WITH THOSE SCAMMER , I WILL URGE YOU TO FAST AND GET BACK TO THIS DEPARTMENT WITH THOSE SCAMMED MAIL. (eh?)

I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR ATTENTION AND EFFORT ON GETTING THOSE SCAMMER AND AFTER THAT WE WILL DIRECT YOU TO WERE YOUR FUNDS IS BEEN KEPT JUST FOR SECURITY PURPOSE. (Awfully nice of you.)

SO GET IN TOUCH NOW! OR YOUR NAME WILL BE LISTED AMONG THOSE TO BE PERSECUTED (nothing like a good persecution!) BY THE LAW (SCAM ACTIVITIES)….

GET BACK TO US WITH THE REQUESTED DETAILS (I’m on it! Gimme  minute!)

BEST REGARDS,

PROF. JUSTICE ANDREW (Cool name)

I do wonder sometimes if these guys would let me recommend them a good copywriter and proof reader before they do this spam stuff. Then again, if I did, I might have missed out on this absolute Gem. If you have any other entertaining examples of Spam Email, let me know on twitter (@justinparks) or in the comments!